


Disney Ruins Everything

by Write_To_You



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Borderline crack, CaptainSwan Flirting, Characters Watching Disney Movies, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, F/M, Humor, Killian Being Clueless About Technology, Original Beauty And The Beast (Disney), Original Peter Pan (Disney), Original Snow White (Disney), Regina Being Snarky, Snowing fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:20:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26184829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Write_To_You/pseuds/Write_To_You
Summary: Emma and Henry are bored one afternoon and decide to show their fairytale friends their Disney movies.
Relationships: Belle/Rumplestiltskin | Mr. Gold, Captain Hook | Killian Jones & Henry Mills & Emma Swan, Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan, Prince Charming | David Nolan/Snow White | Mary Margaret Blanchard
Comments: 17
Kudos: 104





	Disney Ruins Everything

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the first Once Upon A Time fanfiction I ever wroteeeeee.... (she says, nostalgically, even though it was like under three months ago that this was written)

While it was true that Emma didn’t totally love risking her neck for the greater good every other day, she was starting to think that it at least beat being this bored.

She and Henry were currently on their couch, both of them staring off into space as ridiculously hot summer sun beat against the closed curtains. They had just finished their tenth round of Uno (Henry had won eight and Emma had acted like a five year old and accused him of cheating no less than fourteen times), and were now seriously done with what wasn’t a very exciting game to begin with.

“There’s always Poker,” Emma suggested half-heartedly. She felt that, as the mom, she should be the one coming up with solutions to problems. Being this bored was _definitely_ a problem.

“I don’t know how to play,” Henry replied with a yawn.

Emma yawned reflexively back. She _could_ teach him (it would kill time), but it was just too darn hot to put in that much effort. 

The door opened and Killian walked in. His face was unusually red and sweat was gleaming on every inch of bare skin. “Don’t go outside,” was the first thing out of his mouth as he shut the door again and eagerly walked over to stand in front of the AC unit. “If you find a bomb in here, don’t go outside. If this building catches on fire... don’t go outside. _Whatever you do, do not go outside_.”

Emma raised her eyebrows and scratched at her neck. “Note to self, heat makes you even more melodramatic than usual.”

“Oh, _heat_ does a lot more than that to me,” Hook shot back, smirking at her.

Emma groaned and rolled her eyes, too lazy to check if Henry had understood the innuendo. 

“What’re you two doing?” Killian asked, pulling himself away from the radiator and walking over to the couch. He squinted at game that Henry had just started cleaning up. “Ah, I see. Poker.” He grinned at Emma. “Your ability to mother has never been more apparent, my love.”

“We were playing Uno,” Emma countered, smirking a little. “Sorry to disappoint.”

Killian sighed regretfully and took one of the chairs, sliding down in it like he was a melting ice-cream cone and sticking his legs out so he was as spread-out as possible. Emma wrinkled her nose. “You’re _dripping_.”

“According to the weather app it feels like 105 out there,” Henry announced, reading from his phone. “But in _reality_... it’s still 105.”

“They’re wrong,” Killian groaned. “It feels like the inside of a dragon’s mouth. Trust me- I _would_ know how that feels.”

Emma snorted. “Being from a fairytale world opens up a whole new slew of relatable analogies, doesn’t it?” she said, and yawned again. 

“We could watch a movie,” Henry suggested. “Mary Margaret let me start our Disney+ subscription last week and I haven’t watched a single anything on it yet.”

Killian frowned deeply. “ ‘Disney... plus’?”

“Streaming service,” Emma explained lazily. “Disney put out this new streaming service where you can get basically all the movies they own.... which happens to be basically all the movies in the world.”

“That’s an exaggeration, but only a minor one,” Henry added.

“ _Disney_?” Killian repeated, looking even more bewildered. “What is this... Disney?”

“Wait, you’ve-” Emma stopped herself. She had pulled the ‘wait, you’ve never watched fill-in-the-blank-here’ line on Killian _way_ too much, and it really needed to stop. It wasn’t his fault he’d spent almost his entire life in a land where the only screens were magic mirrors. 

“Disney is a... company, kind of,” Henry explained. He, for whatever reason, almost never acted shocked when a Enchanted Forest resident was confused about something Earth-related.. except for the one time that David hadn’t understood a Star Wars reference and he’d nearly cried. “They make movies. And some TV shows.”

“There’s, like, different parts to Disney,” Emma went on, trying to figure out the best way to explain. “They make TV shows, usually really cringy sitcoms, with the laugh track and everything. And then they do a lot of animated movies, mostly fairytales. They buy a ton of other companies, too, like Marvel, and Lucasfilm, which puts out Star Wars.”

“Fairytales, you say?” Killian confirmed, latching on to one of the only nouns he had recognized in that entire explanation. 

Henry and Emma slowly turned to look at each other. “Emma,” Henry said. “I know what we’re going to do today.”

**W / T \ Y**

It took Henry and Emma under half an hour to round up everyone they needed. Mary Margaret and David were just coming back from the grocery store (they were weird and always used the chore as a date), Regina was hiding from life and the heat in her own personal mayor’s mansion, Mr. Gold and Belle reluctantly left their date at Granny’s, and Hook was, of course, already there.

“I still don’t understand why I had to come... here,” Regina said, wrinkling her nose as she sat very stiffly on one of the Charming’s comfortable chairs. 

“I _told_ you,” Henry sighed. “We’re going to be watching Snow White, and you’re a _very_ big part of that!”

“...Right,” Regina replied, exchanging looks with Rumplestiltskin. “Because that just made everything so much more clear.”

Emma’s lips pursed, starting to regret being magnanimous and inviting Regina along for their Disney+ watch party. “Look, I think all of you should just accept that this isn’t going to make sense, but it’s going to be funny, and it’s going to be something to do. So just... bare with us?”

“Hey, I’m down to give this a try,” David shrugged. He smiled over at his wife, who was currently sitting in his lap due to seating restrictions. “I can’t wait to see if they manage to capture your beauty with just a pen and ink.”

Emma and Henry glanced at each other and simultaneously snorted with laughter. “What?” David asked, bewildered. 

“Nothing, just...” Emma shook her head. “Let’s just watch the movie.”

“Just, um...” Henry winced a little. “Just remember that this movie was made in, like, the 1930s, back when the feminism movement hadn’t really jumpstarted, so...”

“ _Just play the movie already_ ,” Regina groaned, already bored.

Things started out pretty normal. Walt Disney’s old-style opening began playing with some dramatic music, and then the words, ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’ came onto the screen. Mary Margaret’s face lit up. “Ooh!” she cried. “The Dwarves are in this, too! We should have invited everyone over!”

Hook, he was currently sitting on two thirds of a cushion so he, Emma, and Henry could all fit on the couch, sent her a look. “If you want to share your chair with seven men, feel free to give them a call.”

Regina let out a frustrated groan as the beginning credits began to roll. “Can we please just-”

“Watch the movie, yes, that’s what we’re doing,” Emma sighed, and reached for the remote to turn up the volume. In truth, she didn’t remember the movie all that much, just that it was outdated and kind of stupid and would be _perfect_ for getting a reaction out of David, at the very least. 

The film began with a storybook opening and showing off an incredibly detailed page that Henry read aloud: “ ‘Once upon a time their lived a lovely little Princess named Snow White. Her vain and wicked Stepmother the Queen feared that some day Snow White’s would surpass her own. So she dressed the little Princess in rags and forced her to work as a Scullery Maid.’ ”

Emma, lips quirking madly, glanced over at Regina. “Vain?!” the mayor repeated, incredulous. “Who are they calling _vain_?”

Mary Margaret sighed, shaking her head. “Fairytales, most of all, should know that true beauty can’t be masked by rags,” she said. “True beauty isn’t about what you look like at all.”

David smiled fondly and pressed a kiss to her cheek. Regina rolled her eyes. “Who’s vain now?”

“I’m not talking about _me_ ,” Mary Margaret gasped. “Just, people! In general!”

A new page appeared on the screen. Henry read aloud again. “ ‘Each day, the Queen consulted her Magic Mirror. ‘Magic Mirror on the Wall. Who is the fairest one of all?‘ And as long as the Mirror answered ‘You are the fairest one of all’, Snow White was safe from the Queen’s cruel jealousy.’ ”

“Oh look, Sidney made an appearance in my movie,” Regina snorted.

“ _Your_ movie?” Emma cut in, raising her eyebrows. “This isn’t _your_ movie; you just happen to be in it.”

“Guysss,” Henry groaned. “It’s starting for real now- look! There’s the castle!”

“Oh, it’s _beautiful_ ,” Mary Margaret gushed.

“It looks like it’s about to fall off that cliff,” Rumplestiltskin put in, frowning. Emma jumped a little. He and Belle had been so quiet, sitting on the dining room chairs they had pulled up to the living room, that she had honestly forgotten they were there.

The first figure to appear in the movie was the Evil Queen herself. Regina caught a glimpse of her animated face for the first time and cringed visibly. “What am I _wearing_?” she demanded. “Is that a _balaclava_?”

Henry and Emma burst into peals of laughter, drowning out the animated Evil Queen’s summoning of her Magic Mirror’s personality.

The beginning of the movie went on, and the group managed to keep quiet save for Mary Margaret’s triumphant, “See! I knew it!” when the Mirror said that animated Snow White’s beauty could not be hidden by rags. 

Her triumph was cut short when the film switched to an image of Snow White, calmly scrubbing at wide stone steps with doves swaying all around her. “She’s... cute...? I guess.”

“She was a real looker in the 1930’s, I’m sure,” Emma comforted her.

“You would be more beautiful than her if you were wearing a brown paper sack, my love,” David said, kissing her cheek again.

Mary Margaret was somewhat consoled... and then Snow White spoke.

“Wanna know a secret?” she asked to her birds, her voice high and frail and thin. “Promise not to tell?” Then she broke into song. “We are standing by a wishing well!”

“I can’t do it,” Mary Margaret said, her eyes wide with horror. “I _cannot_ take this.”

“Love how the first thing she mentions is promising not to tell a secret,” Regina grumbled.

“Seriously?” Emma sighed. “That? _Again_?”

Snow White kept singing. “David...” Mary Margaret groaned, burying her face into his shoulder. “Emma, Henry, _someone_... Make it _stop_.”

“Okay, okay, we can fast-forward through the song,” Emma relented, not entirely without self-service.

“No, wait, you can’t!” Henry cried, grabbing at her hand before she could start working the remote. “Prince Charming comes in during the song; you have to leave it on!”

Emma hesitated, long enough that the scene was able to shift to Prince Charming coming in on his horse. David looked alarmed. “That’s... _me_?”

“Yep, that’s you,” Emma snorted.

“Ah ah ah ah ah!” Snow White sang. “ _Ah ah ah ah ah ah!_ ”

Prince Charming, enraptured, slowly began to climb over the tall stone wall separating him from his future love.

“Am I wearing _lipstick_?” David demanded, peering at the motion picture.

“Ah ah ah ah ahhhh!” Snow White yodeled. “I’m wishing for my true love to find me today!”

Suddenly, an image of Prince Charming appeared in the well Snow was peering into, and he joined in her song. Snow White gasped and pulled back, putting a hand daintily over her mouth. “Oh!”

“Push him into the well!” Mary Margaret urged loudly.

“Hey!” David cried, offended.

Instead of anyone getting pushed into a well, Prince Charming took off his amply feathered hat. “Hello. Did I frighten you?”

Without answering, Snow White took off running for the safety of her quaint stone castle. “Wait!” the Prince called after her. “Wait, please! Don’t run away!”

“Run after her, you fool!” David cried. “Tell her you’ll always find her, no matter what!”

Killian leaned over to Emma. “Are they going to be like this the entire time?”

“Oh boy, I hope not,” Emma groaned, rolling her eyes. 

Prince Charming managed to urge Snow out onto her balcony by singing to her, but it quickly became clear that the Evil Queen had seen the whole interaction. “I have a feeling I know where this is going...” Mary Margaret said slowly. 

The movie went on, and no one spoke again until the Huntsman game onto the screen. “Dang, talk about poor film adaptations,” Emma said, wrinkling her nose. “Graham was _way_ cuter than that guy.”

“Oi!” Killian protested. 

As soon as Snow White caught sight of the Huntsman, she pressed herself up against a rock with a shriek. Mary Margaret groaned loudly. “Emma, please, enough. I can’t stand this.”

Emma relented, for real this time, and picked up the remote again. They blew past the Huntsman letting Snow White go, her fear in the forest, meeting the Dwarves (they weren’t there; there was no point in cringing over their movie adaptation), and most of the movie until Henry grabbed the remote and forced Emma to stop.

“She has to see the part with the apple,” he explained practically. “And the kiss. It was the first True Love’s Kiss to break any curse in Disney Princess history!”

“Awwww...” Mary Margaret crooned, touched. “Did you hear that, David? We started it all!”

“Not historically, you didn’t,” Mr. Gold put in, lips pursed. “People were using True Love’s Kiss to break curses long before you two were even born.”

The Evil Queen, disguised as an old hag, managed to con her way into Snow White and the Dwarves’ cottage with a basket of colorful apples. “Huh,” Mary Margaret mused. “You know, I took care of Regina once when she was disguised a someone else. I guess they did get _some_ things right. Except... she chose a little girl instead of an old lady.”

“They didn’t get this right at all,” Regina said flatly. “None of it. This is terrible. I look terrible. Do you _see_ my nose?”

“I will share a secret with you,” the Queen said.

“Don’t do it!” Regina yelled at the TV.

“This is no ordinary apple,” the Queen went on. “It’s a magic _wishing_ apple.”

Snow’s eyes opened impossibly wide and she clasped her hands together. “A wishing apple?”

“Yesssss.... one bite, and all your dreams will come true! Now, make a wish! And take a bite. You can have anything your heart desires. Perhaps there’s someone you love.”

“Well, there is someone,” Snow replied delicately. 

The Wicked Queen kept pushing. Just as the Dwarves were charging onto the scene, Snow reached for the apple and sank her teeth into its skin. 

Emma fast-forwarded again. After Snow White’s funeral and some on-screen words for exposition purposes, the movie changed to the sight of the princess lying in a glass coffin with flowers all around her. David’s lips turned down at the corners. “They didn’t do so badly with that image, actually,” he said glumly. Mary Margaret gave his hand a squeeze.

Eventually Prince Charming showed up, started singing, and made his way to Snow White’s side. The lid of the glass coffin was removed, and the Prince slowly lowered his mouth onto the dead women’s.

“Wait a minute,” Belle said, speaking up for the first time that afternoon. “He didn’t know she was cursed. Who goes around kissing dead people that they only knew for two minutes?”

“Him, apparently,” David said dryly. 

The Prince took a knee beside Snow’s coffin and the entire forest bent their heads to mourn. Just as Mary Margaret was starting to look at Emma dubiously, wondering if the movie actually ended with her death, Snow White’s eyelids flickered open and she stretched and rubbed her eyes. 

Charming and Snow’s faces lit up with wordless cheesiness when they saw each other, and the latter extended her stick-thin arms to her prince. He scooped her up like she weighed nothing and carried her away as the Dwarves and forest animals rejoiced.

The movie ended.

“Oh shoot,” Emma said, blinking a few times. “We fast forwarded through the Evil Queen’s death.”

“That’s perfectly fine-” Regina began.

“Go back; I’d love to see that part,” Rumplestiltskin interrupted.

Emma dutifully found the scene, and the group watched the Evil Queen scramble up rain-soaked rocks to escape the furious, grieving Dwarves. All of the sudden she came to the edge of a cliff. As she tried to level a giant boulder down the side of the mountain, intended to crush the Dwarves, lightning struck and the rock she was standing on crumbled. 

She fell to her death a terrific scream, and Emma exited the movie.

“So,” she said after silence had fallen for a moment. “That was Snow White. Thoughts?”

“I can’t believe that,” David huffed. “I had to make a deal with Gold, outrun trained guards, and travel hundreds of miles at full speed on horseback following a magical glowing ring to find my Snow. That guy just... showed up.”

Mary Margaret cringed. “How many more of these are we going to watch?”

“Only two more,” Henry assured her. “Peter Pan and Beauty and the Beast.”

“Oh, may we do Beauty and the Beast first?” Belle asked hopefully. “I would just love to see our story on that little screen.”

She reached over and squeezed Rumplestiltskin’s hand, and Emma winced. “Uh.... Mr. Gold isn’t actually _in_ the movie, Belle.”

“What?” Rumplestiltskin asked blankly. “But it’s... Beauty and the Beast. Belle is the Beauty and I’m the Beast; that’s the story.”

“Yeah, but the Beast in this movie is literally a guy that’s been turned into this fur covered animal-creature-thing because he was mean to a sorcerer,” Henry explained. “Belle falls in love with him and breaks the curse with, you guessed it, true love’s kiss.”

“It’s actually a pretty good story,” Emma admitted. “I mean, for an old-style Disney Princess movie.”

“Then maybe we should do that one last,” Belle said. “Let’s go to Peter Pan next.”

Emma nodded and took hold of the remote once again. “Uhh... just to warn you guys- If you thought Snow White was off, this movie basically takes nothing from the actual story. Peter Pan is the hero.”

Expressions of disgust were exchanged among the group. Killian wrinkled his nose. “And don’t tell me that _I'm_ the villain?”

“You are,” Henry replied bluntly. “You get fed to a crocodile.”

Killian’s eyes narrowed and his gaze slipped to Rumplestiltskin, who merely raised his eyebrows and smirked. 

“Maybe we just watch a little,” Mary Margaret suggested. “I don’t think I could stomach and entire movie of seeing Pan romanticized into some savior of Neverland. Or even just twenty minutes.” 

“We’ll just watch the good parts,” Emma assured her.

Hook winked. “The parts with me, that is,” he said coyly.

“...Sure.” Emma cued up the movie and pressed play. There was, in truth, quite a lot of windup before even Peter Pan was introduced, so she had to go almost twenty minutes in to reach the part with Hook in it.

The first thing anyone saw of the Jolly Rodger was a magnificent boat floating on a hand-drawn, sparkling blue sea. Killian raised his eyebrows in bemusement as the image zoomed in to Captain Hook’s crew, most of them short and fairly rotund, wearing colorful outfits and strange-looking stubble. 

And then _he_ came on.

“Blasted Peter Pan,” raged Captain Hook. He had a bazar double cigar sticking out of his mouth, a long red and gold coat which white ruffles, and his iconic silver hook poking out of a sleeve.

But what sent Emma, Henry, and mostly everyone else in the room (besides Killian) into a fit of laughter was the thin, incredibly spiky mustache and the head of hair that might just have been longer than Emma’s.

“No...” Killian muttered, staring in horror at the screen as Captain Hook kept grumbling at the map in front of him. “You don’t mean to say that that’s...”

“That’s you,” Emma told him, face filled with glee.

“ _No_....” Killian repeated, even more mournfully. “It simply cannot be.”

Emma was too busy laughing to worry about fast forwarding to another worthwhile part in the movie, so Henry took over the remote and sped along to the part where Hook died. Killian watched the battle between his animated self and Peter Pan with muted disgust. “No no no,” he muttered. “His form is all wrong. There’s not- half of this is bloody impossible!”

“It’s a _movie_ , Killian,” Emma snickered, putting her arm around him comfortingly. “An _animated_ movie. It’s not supposed to be realistic. I bet none of the artists working on this thing have ever even held a sword before.”

The fight went on. “Huh,” Henry muttered. “I know in this movie, Pan is the hero... but I’m getting weirdly satisfied every time Hook gets an edge here.”

“Honestly, same,” Emma said, nose crinkling. She nudged Killian in the ribs. “Look at what you’ve done; I’m starting to root for the pirates now.”

In the movie, Peter grabbed the Jolly Rodger flag and tied it around his nemesis. “You’re mine now, Hook!” he crowed triumphantly. 

Killian’s nose wrinkling with disgust as Hook began to beg for his life. “Disgusting,” he said, shaking his head. “Absolutely disgusting. There is absolutely no honor in _begging_. He should be facing his demise like a man. A man with outrageously long hair, but a man all the same.”

In the last moments of the fight, Hook tried to get one last murderous blow on Pan. The boy dodged out of the way and Captain Hook was sent hurtling into the water... straight into the crocodiles mouth.

“I win,” said Rumplestiltskin in a very quiet voice.

“I hate this movie,” Killian muttered. 

**W / T \ Y**

“It’s not fair,” Mary Margaret complained in a low voice as she and Emma got up to get snacks. Henry had set up Beauty and the Beast, and Belle was happily watching the way Disney had animated her, the only person in the room actually satisfied with the result. “I saved the entire realm from Regina and my movie interpretation is some air-headed _bimbo_ who runs away from her prince and sings into wells and trusts creepy old ladies after being told under _no uncertain terms_ not to let anyone into her cabin.” She shook her head distastefully. “Something’s gotta be done about this.”

“If it makes you feel any better,” Emma said, reaching for the plastic jar of popcorn kernels and starting to heat up some oil on the stove, “there are all sorts of other Snow White movie adaptations, and usually you’re a badass.”

“Language,” Mary Margaret tsked.

Emma rolled her eyes. “Badass is a _compliment_ , not a swear,” she grumbled. “Besides, I’ve heard you swear all the time when you’re playing backgammon with David.”

“That’s different,” her mother huffed, reddening. “He provokes me.”

“Sure,” Emma said, tossing a few popcorn kernels into the pot and giving it a shake.

“Don’t forget the butter!” Henry called, somehow hearing the popping noise over the sound of Belle’s opening song.

Emma looked over at him fondly, using the moment to take in her extended family, spread out across the living room. Rumplestiltskin was holding Belle’s hand, their intertwined fingers resting on her leg like an old married couple. She was staring happily at the screen, watching her animated self turn down the snob Gaston with a certain amount of pride (even though, in real life, he had been a great guy and they’d been engaged). Henry had taken advantage of Emma’s absence to stretch out across the couch, and Killian was fighting off the twelve-year-old’s efforts to put his feet into the pirate’s lap. David now had a chair to himself but his gaze was on his wife instead of the movie, and Regina still looked bored.. but she didn’t look too unhappy about it. 

“Go sit down,” Mary Margaret urged, catching her stare. “I can take care of the popcorn.”

“You sure?” Emma confirmed, eyebrows crunching. “I think David misses you already.”

Her mom scoffed and rolled her eyes playfully. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” she quoted. “Go sit with your family.”

Emma crossed the room and playfully knocked Henry’s legs out of the way so she could sit back down. Killian slid his arm around her. “This whole movie watching idea has taught me two things,” he said. “One: I love you.”

Emma grinned, looking over at him fondly. “And the second?”

Killian sighed deeply. “Disney ruins everything.”


End file.
